The Story of a Warrior- Chapter 1

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S-Ham
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Joined: 08/25/2017

                                              THE STORY OF A WARRIOR- CHAPTER 1- KIDNAPPED

 

 

               Lela runs in the snow. She was feeling so much joy, so much happiness at the young age of four. The chill of the snow bit her bare feet, but she did not feel it through the warmth of her elation. Lela saw something in the snow with her keen eyes that many would not. It was a white rabbit, a rare animal on her little island in the ocean. She picked it up and cradled it, taking it by surprise. Lela started to run, trying to get home as quickly as possible to tell her mother. She then realized she was lost in the what seemed endless land of snow. The large island was too large for her little mind to remember everything, especially when it was covered in a white blanket. Lela was starting to feel the cold, losing the happiness that she longed to cling to. She wailed, hoping the wind would take her words to her mother. She then fell unconscious, the cold freezing her body.

 

               Lela wakes up. She was in a room, but she did not recongnize it as her house. She still felt cold, wondering how long she had been sleeping. She looked outside through the only window in her room, getting up and off of the floor, curious to see the outside. She noticed that it was raining and that there was no snow on the ground. Lela wanted to go outside, so she trotted over to the door to open it. Trying to turn the censored, she wiped her hands on her shirt, thinking that she was sweaty. Lela tried the censored again, but it wouldn't budge. She came to the conclusion that she was locked in a room, in a house she didn't know, on an island different than her own. She then sat on the floor and cried.

 

              A half hour later, when Lela had no more tears to cry, a dark figure walked in. Lela hoped that this man would let her out of the house or give her some food. She got one of her wishes when he tossed two pieces of bread to her and she munched them down as he evaluated her. She then asked him, unsatisfied, if there was more food. Harshly, he answered back, "There is no more food to be had, you spoiled brat. You should be grateful that you got that much. You are to be called Gianntgg from now on, and you will forget your old life or be punished, for you will be trained to fight to the death with my tribe, The Furious Fighters. You are now my slave, and if you take a step out of line, girl, it will be saying bye bye to your little life." The man then left the room, locking the door behind him. Lela understood that her birth name, Lela, and the rest of her life, should be erased from her mind forever. And that is exactly what happened.

                           END OF CHAPTER ONE OF THE STORY OF A WARRIOR

 

So, what do you guys think? This is the story of my OC, Gianntgg. She has a pretty tragic life, so the chapters beyond this one get pretty scary, fyi. FEEDBACK would be great!

 

              

 

 

__________________

 

 

move along

hey hey hey if you can figure out my other account good luck

only here for the drama

I enjoy reading it

hey look at these gradually-decreasing-in-size arrows!

 

so big

 

 

so smol

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Wutend Bonfire
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Joined: 08/25/2014
Here's my tips

Pacing- you need to spread out your exposition a little and add some more. What does she look like? What is her aim at the moment? If you want to keep most of that a secret for now, extend on the description of the surroundings. Remember the golden rule of 3; 'old, smelly, tired dog' 'big, blue, angry dragon' 'cold, barren, unforgiving tundra'. Most of the bulk of a story is in the descriptions.

 

Scene switch- your change from the snow island to the house was forced and happened quite early on. It helps to have a small hint in the first few sentences- maybe she saw a figure from the corner of her eye? If you plan on making a long and/or chaptered story, it helps to leave the action for a while, about 1000 or 1500 words in. For a short story, make the action in the immediate start and explain whats happening as it progress.

 

Tenses- keep the tense of your writing consistent. You have a few moments where (to me at least) it was unclear whether you were writing in past or present tense, and then switched to distinct past tense.

"Lela runs in snow [present tense sentence]. She was feeling so much joy [past tense sentence]..."

"Lela wakes up [present tense]. She was in a room [past tense]..."

Things need to be either switched to true present or true past tense.

 

Reasoning- what is the point of the events that happened in the story? Even if it's just a means to an end, the greater majority (if not everything) that happens in the story should have a purpose. Why was the rabbit there? Why was she given that particular name? Does it mean anything? Was it intended for character development? Sometimes you can keep the meaning of events a secret to create tension, but don't leave out too much or it just fustrates readers.

 

Other

It helps to break up your writing by writing on a new line after each line of dialogue, so rather than:

     "Fire the catapults!" he cried. "We're out of ammo!" a soldier yelled back.

It would be:

     "Fire the catapults!" he cried.

     "We're out of ammo!" a soldier yelled back.

It makes the text look longer and easier to read. BUT remember that if the same person is talking again after a break in the dialogue, it stays on the same line.

     "We're out of ammo!" a soldier yelled back. "Our catapults are useless!"

 

You have a few grammar errors but I'll PM that to you instead. This is all I can really think of right now, but I might have more for you later.

__________________

Migrated to new account: ZestyDragonWing

S-Ham's picture
S-Ham
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I AM AMAZED

OH MY GOSH
I JUST GOT CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM FROM A PROFESSIONAL
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU
THIS ALSO GOES FOR THE PM
YOU ARE A PROFESSIONAL AND I HOPED YOU WOULD COME ALONG
THANK YOU

Wutend Bonfire
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Joined: 08/25/2014
trial and error- mostly error

LIKE NOT RLLY I JUST SPEND ALOT OF TIME WRITING MY OWN FANCIFCS BUT URWELCOME AND THANKYOU